Keep Moving

The other day I remembered the story of the four lepers in the book of 2Kings of the Bible. The first time I heard about the lepers, I was really inspired by them.  As the preacher preached, I drew a picture of four men with various stages of the diseases, with no limbs or with partial limbs moving towards the camp of the enemy with only one thing in mind “survival”.

In 2Kings verse 7 we are introduced to the four lepers who lived just outside the gates in the city of Samaria because lepers were not allowed to live in the city with other people. They survived by feeding on the left over given to them by the people.  At that time there was another great war between Syria and Israel; and the king of Syria, led a mighty army into the land of Israel, and laid siege against the city of Samaria. So hard and so long was the siege that the people in Samaria could find nothing to eat; many died from want of food, and some killed their own children, and ate them. You can imagine the plight on the lepers who fed on left over, it must have been very bad for them at such a time when people didn’t have food to eat.

The King of Samaria had enquired the prophet Elisha about the situation in response he had boldly prophesied to the people while encouraging them he declared that they will not perish but rather within 24hrs foodstuff would be sold in the market place.

At this time, the four lepers who stayed at the city gates contemplated their fate, it was evidently clear for all to see that in a matter of days they would be dead lepers. They could see in the distance the great camp of the Syrian army, at night they could hear the noise of merry making coming form the soldiers. Their mouths would water as they let their imaginations run wild and picture the great feast the soldiers would have every night before they went to bed. They decided that rather then wait to die of hunger at the gates of Samaria, it would be better to die at the hands of the Syrian soldiers while trying to survive. At least they would have tried.

So they began to work towards the camp of the soldiers and as they moved our almighty Father began to make a way for them; He caused the army of the Syrians to hear the noise of a mighty army with hundreds of chariots. The Syrian soldiers in their camp were convinced when they heard the sound that the Samarians had managed to enlist the help of other Kings and their armies to fight them. So they ran, leaving behind all the spoils from their previous battles with plenty of food stuff which they had stored up to see them through long months of war, in fact they left the camp intact and fled for their lives.

When the lepers got to the camp, to their great amazement and surprise, there was no one in the camp, no one at all! They ate to their satisfaction, went back told the gate keeper all they had seen (no doubt they had to show him proof their claim) and the keeper raised an alarm in the city. That was how God used the unlikely lepers to fulfill such a great prophesy and save the lives of hundreds of people in Samaria.

This story has always encouraged me to drop any feeling of defeat, to erase completely from my mind the fact that I cannot raise out of any situation I may find myself. The four lepers had had every excuse to sit there and die. They were disadvantaged in every sense of the word. Their reasons for dying such helpless deaths would have been very legitimate. Never the less, they decided to press on and move forward.

It is quiet easy to accept your current conditions, the odds are stacked up against you. You have been fighting all your life, you know now that greatness is out of reach, you say to yourself good things just don’t happen to people like me and on and on. We unknowingly allow ourselves to become victims of our circumstances. The truth is you never know what lies behind that closed door if you don’t try to open it or at least knock on it. No matter how bleak the situation please don’t give up, don’t accept defeat. There are so many people out there waiting for you to come out of that place of depression and self pity to take life by the horns, fulfill your purpose and bless them with your victory story; thereby giving them strength to rise above their own circumstances.

Please don’t give the devil the satisfaction of seeing you kill your potential because of a setback, no matter how major it may be. Keep moving, keep shining, keep believing and trusting that all things work together for your good. I believe that if we can just take a step of faith towards achieving our goals and dreams with survival and growth on our minds and the resolve not to settle for the crumbs that the world has thrown our way, that the Lord God almighty would honor our faith by opening doors that we could never have imagined possible.  He is waiting to amplify your efforts, make a noise in the hearts of people when you speak that will make them pay attention and want to be part of what you are doing. He is waiting to show you off.

Finally, did you notice that the four lepers who were rejects and most likely treated like outcasts went back to the city to inform the people of what they had experienced?  They didn’t want to be partakers of the great feast alone; they wanted to share the Good News. I think the Lord used them because he knew that they would share what they had stumbled on.  When God has brought you out of that slimy pit, no matter what it is, I am convinced that he wants us to minster to the people who are going through the same thing. He uses us to bless other people just as he has blessed us. The blessing is never for us alone, there are lives tied to your deliverance and I believe the earlier we realize and accept this, the faster these things will come to us and through us.

Have a blessed weekend ahead. Hugs

 

My Reflections on International Widows Day (June 23)

Hello out there, how is it going? Sunday June 23^rd was international widow’s day. It is the United Nations ratified day of action to raise awareness of the issue of widowhood. I was thinking about why the day was established in the first place, about the “silent calamity” that widowhood has become because the “sufferers” are not seen, people who have had their lives radically altered by the loss of a spouse but still are not left to mourn and carry on with their lives in peace because of some form of tradition and injustice or the other. I couldn’t help but thank God for my own experience, my own journey and all that I have become due to the sad event.

My journey wasn’t as traumatic, I didn’t go through any of the issues I described above but it was life altering all the same. From the experience I know firsthand that all things (yes even the loss of a spouse) really do work together for the good of those that love God Romans 8:28.

There are still days that I wish I hadn’t gone through the experience in the first place, I do wish he was still here with me and the kids, however looking back over the past 12 years I know the experience has had a lot of positive impact in my life. I have learnt to trust God completely for everything, I sometimes feel like I can take on the world with God on my side. I go around with quiet confidence in the ability of God to see me through whatever may come my way because I am still standing after everything.

I am more adamant that my life cannot be ordinary. I have become a woman who is relentless in her pursuit of purpose and the hope of my calling. It matters to me now that my life must count for something. I refuse to compromise the quality of my life. The fact that God put us here on earth to have impact and influence has become my driving force, I cannot settle for less. I feel that doing anything less would be that I am letting down God in some way. The experience has convinced me more than ever that we are all here for a reason and that reason is what drives me from day to day.

So my friend, have you been through or going through a life changing experience?  How has it affected you?  You may not be able to see the positive effect the experience has had on your life unless you reflect on it with an attitude of gratitude.  The negatives always seem to outweigh the positive things when such events occur but in the long run if we look back with an attitude of gratitude we will discover that same occurrence is responsible for ushering in a new era of positive change in our lives.

So what good has come out of that erstwhile horrible situation? Is it a change in your character? Has it made you bolder or like me more determined to make something meaningful out your life?  I would like to hear from you, let’s encourage each other. There are people out there who are in total darkness and cannot see any light in their situations maybe your story will make them smile or bring a glimmer of light in their darkness.

Enjoy the rest of your week.

Hugs

Are You Remarried Now?

 

I get asked the question why I have not remarried after almost 12 years of widowhood a lot. My answer is always that it just hasn’t happened. Recently, I realized that people ask that question because they think I haven’t remarried by choice. The question is often asked with the intention of convincing me to drop the silly notion and remarry already. Well, there are several reasons why I haven’t remarried and none of them has anything to do with me making a conscious decision not to remarry.

When my husband passed, I had lot I hadn’t done. My education was not quiet complete, I had to go to Law school, participate in the mandatory one year youth corps service after that and i immediately joined the rat race. All this I did while raising my children who were toddlers at that time. Romance was the farthest thing from my mind. As the years progressed, I started to meet people whom I might I have dated I realized that all I wanted was a replacement for my late husband.  I compared everybody to him, needless to say, that did not help as well.

Shortly after I made the decision to stop comparing everyone to him, keep an open mind and hope for the best in terms of being in a meaningful relationship, I got a job in another state and I had to move with my children. I found myself truly alone for the first time since I became a widow. The support structure from my immediately family was not readily available anymore. I had a home to provide for, children I had to be mummy and daddy to at the same time and a job I had to excel at. Time just flew by as it is very good at doing. I woke up one day and realized I had hit 40 and still alone 10 years after I had lost my mate.

God has promised to restore to me what I have lost, I realize now that it might have happened earlier if I wasn’t so absorbed in being a widow, single parent and an employee. If I hadn’t taken my new roles too seriously that I forgot to unwind, relax and see the opportunities right there in front of me.

I am now aware that when the bible in 1^st Thessalonians admonishes us not to mourn like those who not have hope,  we were being warned against being excessive in our sorrows, like people who have given up any hope of having a better life after suffering a loss. I think that by being too absorbed in my new life, I was unconsciously drowning myself in my sorrows. I believed that the new life I was living at that time was my fate. It took me a long time to realize that I had buried myself with my husband with no hope of ever really fully enjoying restoration or life again.

Life is all about cycles, the loss of a spouse or anything we hold dear can be regarded as the end of on cycle and the beginning of the next one. It can be painful especially when it is unexpected and that’s why we mourn the loss but this should be done with expectancy in our hearts that the God we serve will do something new and even better in our future.

In case there are some people reading this who have decided that with the loss of their spouse to death or divorce, they are done with marriage, you’ve been there and done that. It didn’t work out for you, now all you want to do is concentrate on your children (if you have any), your career, your family and God. You are saying it’s just me and God now.  Well think again my dear friend, God Himself said in Genesis 2:18 that it is not good for man to be alone. The reality is that life can be so demanding and tough especially as a single parent or someone who has experienced the joys of being in the union of marriage and find themselves alone again.

Depending on where you are on the healing process, the thought of remarriage may sound absurd but please do keep an open mind.  I know for a fact that some people feel that the thought of remarriage alone is disrespectful to the memory of their late spouse but where is he or her when you need someone to talk to? When you are tired and you just want to be held?  Research has shown that a widowed person who had a happy and fulfilling marriage the first time is more likely to desire another satisfying relationship or marriage (Source- early psychological reaction to stress in widowhood). It should be viewed as seizing the opportunity to develop a caring relationship after converting your first marriage to a loving memory.

As expected some do rush into the next marriage for the wrong reasons when they haven’t fully healed from the loss. They see remarriage as a way of pushing away the pain. That would be a mistake. Remarriage or being in a relationship cannot make you accept the loss of your spouse only time can do that. The best time to consider remarriage is when you have accepted and come to terms with your situation. 

All said however, the decision to remarry or not is a personal one; a lot also depends on the timing and finding the right person for you. The new person has to be someone you love or like a whole lot, this is a new relationship you want to nurture and not just someone you have chosen to replace your late spouse. It is very important that this new person enhances and complements your new found individuality. Remarriage is only healthy if it can enhance your life in a positive way. Getting married for a widowed person is different from someone is doing it for the first time. There is a lot to be considered like the children, where to live, finances, in-laws (both new and old but especially old). It should be approached prayerfully and with much discussion between the two parties.

I do realize that not everyone will remarry but I think it is an option that should be considered. Don’t bury your heart away in a pile of dead memories. Keep an open mind and be expectant, believe that God loves you and wants to restore to you all you have lost.

I leave you today with this scripture from the book of Job(42:12): "The Lord blessed the latter part of Jobs life more than the first"

God is gracious. Have fruitful week ahead.

Hugs

 

 

Living My Best Life Now

Hello friends, how has 2013 been for you so far? For me the year has already been full of ups and downs but I guess that’s life so I’m taking everything that comes in my stride.

 I wondered recently how many people can sincerely say they are excited about their lives at the moment. Can they say they are really living life or merely existing? Just living from day to day and waiting for some event to occur in their lives that will make them say now I can really enjoy my life.

 

I was recently in and out of hospital due to illness, which as far as I was concerned was mainly triggered by stress. This led me to ask myself if I could honestly say I was enjoying my life as it is now or merely existing.

 

Over the years I have had this feeling of urgency to accomplish the things that I felt God had placed in my heart to do, the fact that I had not come near attaining them got me feeling a bit bad with every passing year. I felt that the attainment of these dreams and desires was the key to my real happiness in life and only then will I feel fulfilled and enjoy my life.

Thank God I had time to reflect and renew my mind, there is nothing wrong in having big dreams and aspirations, God has called us to be fruitful and multiply. (Genesis 1v 22) therefore having big dreams, visions and wanting progress and growth is actually part of our human nature. Doubtless we will feel fulfilled and happier when we eventually achieve them but what happens before we achieve them? What happens during the journey?

A friend of mine always says it’s all about the process, the process is much more important than the destination. I realized that I needed to enjoy the process of growth. It is in relishing the process and learning every lesson that I can learn while I am growing that I will find myself at the next level of my life without much effort. The process molds, builds and gets us ready for the destination. It cannot be circumvented, I cannot make it go away, so I had a choice to either enjoy it while I am on my way to achieving this great dreams and desires or hate the process and feel frustrated all the way. Consequently the latter attitude will make let’s say a five year process feel like 10 years while the former attitude will make a 5yr process feel life 3 years.

I use the phrase "renew my mind" because i had unconsciously made up my mind that until I begin this project and this or that happened in my life I cannot truly be a fulfilled and happy person. I know now that I have to purposefully make efforts to enjoy every single day and relish it as a gift from God, while realizing that I am one step closer to achieving my dreams.

The loss of a loved one or the occurrence of a life changing event can actually make you stop enjoying life, you become a shadow of yourself, like a before and after kind of person. It’s not what you set out to do on purpose, in fact in your mind you may believe that you are over the tragic event, you are happy again or you have moved on while you are actually still stuck in the past and living a life full of wishes that will never come to pass.

What I am actually worried about is that we get used to not living life to the full because so and so happened to us that we actually do not realize that we have become zombies dragging ourselves thru life and waiting for something to happen that will hopefully brighten our lives once again. Well, if what I have just described sounds like you please snap out of it, nothing is going to happen that will make you feel alive again if you have not made a conscious decision to enjoy life irrespective of what has happened or where you are on your journey. No one is going to make that decision for you only you can.

I have purposed in my heart that I will not allow anything stop me from being the woman that God has called me to be, off course it’s not easy, life is so real that you just want to dance to its music sometimes. This can however distract you from the music playing in your heart and in your spirit which should be your focus. I am called to be a joyful person, who is excited about life and all the endless possibilities open to me. I can accomplish anything I set my mind to with the help of God who is my strength. I have begun to face my fears and put things in place to achieve my dreams.

 God has given us so everything we need to live victorious and joyful lives but we cannot receive anything if we do not make a conscious decision to get up and live irrespective of what we have or do not have, our experiences, where we are in life and what we have achieved or what we have not achieved.

 

“We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same”- Don Juan.

 

Have a fruitful week ahead. Hugs

The Power of Gratitude

I have come to realize that giving can be therapeutic. I have heard people say that one of the fastest ways to cure depression is by helping others.

In 2012, I was a recipient of so much love and kindness from people that left me reeling in amazement.  I became aware that the people who have come into our lives are more important than the so called material things we possess, the relationships in our lives are God’s way of reminding us that he is not far away from us. Indeed he is with us every step of the way no matter what we go through.

The end of the year is usually a time to give gifts, cards or just say things to people that express how much you appreciate them. After being such a recipient of so much love during the year I decided that I would try my best to be a blessing to as much people as I could possibly be. I tried to keep to this throughout the year. Every time I did it I felt so much joy, the fact that I could be responsible for someone’s smile or cause someone to give thanks to God is so liberating in itself, it takes your mind off your so called issues and makes you focus on God and all he has done for you.

I once had a security guard who had a habit of not saying thank you. He took everything that we (my neighbors and I) did for him and his family of five children and a wife for granted. He considered it a right rather than a privilege that we would give him food stuff, clothes and cash aside from his salary. After some time I realized that the flow of gifts to him and his family from my end reduced in fact I didn’t feel like doing anything for him anymore, the only reason I continued was because I put into consideration his children and the fact that they needed help due to the obvious poverty they were living in, if I had given thought to his ungrateful attitude I would not have given them anything anymore, I however had to disregard the attitude and continue to give whatever I could to him and his family even though it was not as satisfying.

I must confess here that I didn’t give them as much as I would have if he did not have that attitude. Please don’t get me wrong, I was not doing the kind deeds for the thank you or the praises he would give in return, but my point here is that it is encouraging when someone you have been nice to expresses pleasure, you will find yourself unconsciously looking for more ways to show kindness to such a person if it is within your power and if they still need your help.

I can relate my experience to the many scriptures in the bible that command us to give thanks to God. I understand why it is so important to give thanks to God for all he has done. He may be a loving God who has done everything for us already but we won’t receive much from Him if we are ungrateful children, taking His grace and mercy for granted will not get us anywhere. Thanksgiving is such an amazing tool for progress, giving thanks to Him for what He has done will no doubt open new doors in our lives that nobody can shut no matter how hard they try.

2012 is almost over, I don’t know what the year was like for you, but please before it ends find time to think deep and give God thanks for all He has done in 2012. All is not lost; let us try our best to enter 2013 with thanksgiving in our mouths and expectancy in our hearts. It pleases Him when we show gratitude, doubtless He will do much more than He has done for us in the previous year. 2013 will be for us a year of “before we call he will answer and while we are still speaking he will hear” (Isaiah 65:24) by virtue of our attitude of gratitude towards Him.

May 2013 be the tipping point into your divine purpose and the rest of God.

 Hugs

Counting My Blessings

Hello friends, I have to keep apologizing for not blogging as often as I want to, I think about it all the time but life always gets in the way.  Recently, I heard a sermon about faithfulness and I felt like I was being scolded because I haven’t been faithful to my vision and dreams for this cause.

Today I want to stop and give God praise and thanksgiving for all he has done for me in my life. I recently turned Forty and like most people who hit a milestone, there was a tendency to reflect on where I was in my life against where I wanted to be in life.  I did reflect on my life and all I could see was God’s goodness, mercies and kindness.

It would have been easy to slip into a semi depressed state by looking at the achievement of loads of other Forty year olds who have achieved so much more than I have in such a short time but I was reminded of the friends I have lost along the way who did not have the opportunity to celebrate their Fortieth birthdays. It was an opportunity to take my eyes off all the things I didn’t have at forty and celebrate God’s faithfulness in my life with a joyful noise.

I give God thanks for allowing me to see my fortieth year. You I see,  I know if I praise him now for keeping me till this young age of forty, he will not only keep me up till my eightieth and beyond, he will also do that which no eyes have seen and no ears have heard in my life before then.

I thank God for saving my life both on the cross and while I have been here on earth. For the things he has done and the battles he has won on my behalf. I know that he has won many battled over my life when I had no idea that there was even a contention. There have also been times when the contention had been open and I saw God’s hand clearly reach down and snatch me from certain doom.

When I was 12 years old I fell into a well somewhere within the premises f a summer school I was attending at that time. The well was low (the same level with the ground) and we had been warned not to go that way. But still I wandered in that direction and I had tripped and fallen into the well. I recollect as I sank deeper and deeper into the water that I thought to myself this is it, this is the way I am going to die at 12 years old. But something happened afterwards that I cannot explain to this day, I sudden felt myself rising and the next thing I knew I was on the ground beside the well. All I can say is that God sent his angels to bring me out of that well that day. Awesome!

Moving on a few years, I was travelling back home from school at the end of the first semester of my first year in University, when the bus I was traveling in lost one of its tires and to the Glory of God no one was hurt despite the fact that the car somersaulted three times and all this whole fuel was pouring out of thee tank of the car. I bless God for safety all these years.

A few years later I had my first son and God delivered from Post Natal death, after his birth I lost so much blood that it was a miracle I survived. I bless God!

I have to thank God that after my husband death, I didn’t lose my mind and especially my faith in God. Rather the experience has sharpened my mental capabilities and also strengthened my faith in a God that is the author and finisher of my faith who loves me with a perfect love. Despite all that has happened I am still standing, still expectant that I will fulfill destiny and become everything God has purposed for me to become.

Shortly after I moved to Abuja four years ago I was involved in an accident in my colleague’s car, the car was totaled and I came out with just a small crack of the pelvic bone despite the fact that the other car collided with us on my side. God is faithful to his word that he will give his angels charge over us to keep us in all our ways. He is indeed a merciful God.

God has been good to me, I am alive, he has provided for me and little ones time and time again, I have a god job, Joy unspeakable, kids who are being taught of the lord and are growing in wisdom and in stature, loving parents, the best siblings ever and the greatest friends anyone could ever wish for. I have lived in a city where everyone says is tough to live in for the past four years and God has kept me, rather than downsize due to the economy I have expanded. I could go on and on! But I think the most important thing is that God has never failed to send me his word in season just when I need to hear it, his word is active and I am a testimony that it can change you and build you up. I am definitely not the person I used to be, I may have gone through a lot but he has sent his word to guide me very step of the way. Praise God!

It is the most liberating feeling to stop and count your blessings that is one of the weapons we can use against the devil when he tries to plant seeds of depressing into our minds. It is difficult for a truly grateful person to be depressed.

I have to end this write up with the lyrics in one of Kirk Franklin’s songs- “When I think of his goodness and all he’s done for me, I can dance, dance, dance, dance all day!”

I don’t know about you but I have never seen a depressed or sad person dancing. Halleluiah!!

Warm hugs,

Kate

The Other Side of Grief

I lost two dear friends in the Dana Plane crash of June 3 and just like that, I was thrown into the cycle of mourning all over again in my life. I found myself in a dark place. It was hard to come to terms with the fact that a friend that I had talked with in the office only two days before and another friend that had come to see me at home just the day before were no more. I mourned them deeply, my blood pressure went up during that period and I had to take a hold of myself. I prayed to God to see me through the period, I was afraid that their deaths will take me to a place of sorrow that I will find difficult to rise from.

I prayed and still pray for the bereaved families, lifting them up to the God of all comfort. He alone can give the strength and peace needed to go through such a painful loss. I cannot begin to imagine exactly what they are going through because every loss is unique in its own way.  I found that praying for them helped me in many ways to deal with my own grief, putting their own pain ahead of mine gave me the strength I needed to pull through.

I have come to realize that although we cannot avoid the grieving process, it is important to grieve in a healthy way. It’s easy to get acquainted with grief, sort off make it a part of life. This is done unconsciously and most times we do not realize it until the damage has been done, it then becomes more difficult to move on with life.

Moving on in itself is easier said than done. We move on with our lives without actually moving on from the place of mourning, this is where I believe the damage occurs most of the time. The Bible says in Ecclesiastics that there is a time to mourn. This will mean that the mourning is needful whenever it is necessary but there is a set period for it, it has a beginning and most definitely should have an end. Most of the time we do not know when or how to stop mourning, like I said earlier it becomes a part of life, something we carry  around and live with.  I think this happens most of the time when we carry on with the activities of life, like going back to work or resume the activities we were involved with before the passing of the loved one and this muddles up the process, we think we are doing fine when in fact we are still in deep mourning.

From my experience I learned that it is important to play an active part in ending the grief process, it won’t just happen. You won’t wake up one day and realize that you have actually moved on and ready to start life afresh. You have to make a conscious effort and decide that you need to let go and move on. Like our dear Pastor Akinola Olumodeji preached just a day before he lost his life in that same Dana Plane crash “you can be sad for a while but you have got to let it go”. There is an indication that we are ready to let go and move forward when we no longer feel that intense pain in our hearts or have a longing for the presence of the loved one.

I don’t know at what stage of the grieving process you may be now, but if you can assess your progress and you think you have come to a point where you feel you have worked through the pain of the loss and your heart has mended to a large extent, then it is time to start the new phase of your life. Jesus himself has borne our grief and carried our sorrows therefore we are not permitted to bear them longer than necessary. It damages our health and eventually our lives. I know because I held on to the past and to my husband’s memory for years without even realizing what I was doing. I was truly happy with him in my life and I unconsciously didn’t want to go on with life without him. I had to decide that I could not allow the lovely memories overshadow the joys that can come out my life. I couldn’t move on while I was holding on, I had to let it go! So I could enjoy the abundant life that Jesus Christ died for me to have. Life is a precious gift and we need to treat it as such.

I personally believe that the earlier we decide to live our best life, the faster the healing and grieving process goes by. Losing my husband has been by far the hardest thing I have had to deal with in life but by the grace of God I am still standing, still sane. Bad things do happen and most of the times they make us depend on God more and through his spirit in us we become much better people from the experience rather than worse off from it.

I will stop here and pray that God of all comfort will help you to grieve in a healthy way and move on with life, close the door to one phase of your life and joyfully look forward to the next phase. He will be with you in the midst of the pain and give you the grace for new life, in Jesus name.

In loving memory of Adaobi Thelma Mojekwu and Dr. Abiodun Jonathan…I miss you guys dearly but I know you are in a much more better place. I therefore celebrate the lives you lived while you were here.

Have fruitful week ahead.

Kate

Ten Years Now: In Loving Memory

Its exactly 10 years today that I lost my husband, ten whole years have gone by without him and I still miss him so much. I can still hear his voice like I heard it just yesterday. I can still see him smile and hear his laughter. How to dim his memories I know not how. I have tried to drown thoughts of him with work, relationships and God, but it has not worked. I have tried to move on but that just makes me miserable. I have always been bad at letting go, break ups were never my strong forte. When a person enters my life the person is usually there for good maybe that explains why in my case it’s been harder to let go. We had dated for almost 8 years before we eventually got married and we were married for three years before he passed. I can boldly say that he was my soul mate; nobody else really knew me or understood me, with him I was not afraid of being misunderstood because he knew me through and through. It’s really hard to let go of someone like that, weather dead or alive.

Love of my life, I miss you so much; I wish you were here every day. You need to see the children we made together. They have grown so big all thanks to God. It hasn’t been easy without you my love. I wish you could come back to me, to us, so we can have the life that we had planned to have. But that’s not going to happen. I can only thank God that I met you and that I had the opportunity of being your wife. I am so glad that you are the father of my children. I see you in them all the time Obafemi has your sense of humor and love for life, while Busola possesses that your envious ability to remain calm all the time.  

The truth is since you left, I have not been truly happy. I have survived simply by the grace of God. I almost feel like I have not truly lived in the past ten years, like I have been living some sort of pseudo life, a counterfeit kind of life. But with the help of God, my enabler that is all going to change now. God loves new beginnings and as I mark this 10^th year anniversary of your death I see myself becoming the woman you would love me be. I am learning to laugh a lot like you did, to enjoy every day and take life as it comes. You were never in frenzy about anything and I am learning to be like that. It’s not easy but I try.

Rest in Peace my love; I will try after this 10^th anniversary to move on. I will stop looking for you in everybody I meet because there will never be another you. I pray by the Grace of God that after this time the word of God that says that I will remember no more the reproach of my widowhood  (Isaiah 54:4) will be fulfilled in my life.

I have to thank everyone who has been with me and the children over the past 10years. I am really very grateful. Where will I be without my darling friends who have seen me through all the ups and downs? The people who supported me in the early years and helped me to stand on my feet? From the bottom of my heart i thank my pastors over the years, especial pastor Regina Obamanu who helped me realize that my mess would ultimately be my message. My sisters, brothers and my parents who have been just great and wonderful, I am also grateful for my in-laws who have been so supportive. I thank God for each and every one of you.

I hope to start a new chapter in this book and journey; I intend to make it one full of excitement and adventure. I will venture out of my shell, try new things and hopefully have new stories to share that will uplift and encourage other young widows.

It is well.

A Time to Mourn and When to Stop

Hello there, hope you are all keeping the faith and holding on at this time. Today I will be sharing with you what I have been going through these past few days; I sincerely hope that this impacts someone as they deal with their own loss.

A dear friend of mine lost her husband early this week and I totally lost it. I had been praying for him to survive the ghastly motor accident he was involved in and I had asked God to please spare me with having to face a friend who has lost her husband. In a way I knew I was going to react the way I did if I was ever faced with the situation and I wanted so badly to avoid it but I didn’t know just how bad it was going to affect me.

I discovered that when you have gone through a painful experience that has defined you and changed the entire course of your life, you do not only identify with someone who is going through what you have gone through but you almost also relieve the pain of your own experience through theirs. When I heard the news I cried and cried. To a large extent I was crying for my friend, not only did I know just how she felt, I know what she is going to go through in the weeks, months and years to come. I assumed that the fact that my own journey has been hard emotionally her own was going to be the same and I began to relieve all that I have been through over the past 10years and it made so sad.

The reason why I started the after the RIP organization was to provide emotional support for young widows so that they would not go through what I went through. I wanted to help and guide them in their grieving process so that they can easily, naturally and truly let go of the past and move on with their lives and It took the horrible death of my friends husband for me to realize that I have not healed completely myself.

Don’t get me wrong I am not saying that I shouldn’t feel bad that she lost her husband but I think that the extent of my own sorrow showed just how much I have not truly healed myself. According to my sister, “Healing is gradual but our emotions reveal to us when wounds are still festering and may need to be attended to”. According to her, I was still grieving for my husband hence my deep reaction to my friend’s loss. I was still grieving for the life that we would have lived, I may even still be unconsciously clinging to him and this may be responsible for the fact that I have not moved on in spite of the fact that it has been years since I lost him.

I think this sad event has brought me to the place of acceptance which according to experts, is the last stage of the grieving process. I have finally come to terms with the fact that Dapo Oluwole is really of blessed memory and he is not coming back. Yes, he was an amazing, generous and fun loving man. Indeed we lost a rare human being but I have resolved to let go even if it means letting go of the many memories of our time together that still fill my mind almost every single day.  

I don’t know if this is coming a little too late, maybe I would have done this earlier if I had the right information and counsel after he died. But I am a believer that God makes everything beautiful in its time and that I went through a prolonged phase of grieving so that I can share my journey with others and by God’s grace prevent them from grieving for longer than necessary.

My Darling Mary, only God can comfort you at this time. We all grieve in different ways but the emotions we go through are the same. Like I told you mourn him, he was your husband cry your eyes out if you must. There is a time for everything and the time to mourn is here. All I can add is that it is a time to mourn, this means that it has a beginning and an end. The Bible says that we shouldn’t mourn like people who have no hope. There is hope that you will come out of this stronger, better and with a brand new perspective on life that will make you soar beyond your wildest dreams. There is hope that the God of all comfort is with you and he has promised not to ever leave you or forsake you even especially at this time.  I love you. Hugs

Making it Through the Season

I was wondering the other day how many people actually feel depressed during the Christmas and New Year period. It’s a time when everyone counts their blessings and look forward to spending time with loved ones, relax and have some fun. But for most people it’s a time when you remember the good times and wonder where they went, it’s a time when you ask God questions like, where did i go wrong? Why didn’t I see it coming, maybe I would have done something to prevent it. Why o lord why am spending Christmas alone again or alone this year, when last year I had my partner with me?

For most of us, we are not really alone; we have a lot of people around us. For me, this year I have my beautiful kids and my sister. Others may have their family members as well, in Africa we are rarely ever alone during the Xmas season. But I am a witness to the fact that it can be so so lonely in the midst of the crowd. Sometimes the holiday cheer amplifies your despair that it makes you want to scream! You try to go with the flow of Christmas and the season; most times we look like we are succeeding because those around us do not notice that we are struggling.

I know how it feels because I have been there, all I can say is you are not alone, keep a straight face, laugh and try your best to have fun. Most of all count your blessings. Remind God of his promises. He said with everlasting love will he gather us, that he will never again be angry with us. Hold on to his love in the midst of the pain.

You will it make through the season and you will be stronger at the end. With time it will get better and easier to handle. This time next year will not have to struggle through it, you may even look back at that time and know for a fact that you would never have made it without God holding your hand or even carrying you.

I thank God for your lives; I thank God that we are all alive to see this season. It can only get better!  He sees you and he knows what you are going through. So rejoice because he loves you enough to send his innocent son to die for you. That’s awesome! So rejoice!

Love you all.

Great Big Christmas Hugs

And he said unto me, Write

One thing that has helped me cope over the years is writing. Very often I escape to the world of journaling and write down my feelings and experiences after my husband died. I have done this for the past 10years and it has proved to be very therapeutic for me, I would like to recommend it for everyone not just those going through tough situations in their lives.  What I do is write exactly how I feel, I also write about every new experience and about people I have met that have impacted my life. I especially like to write when I am facing a difficult situation or when I have learnt some vital life lesson.

The best part of journaling for me is going back to read what I have written, awesome experience every time! Most of the time I can’t believe I am the one who wrote what I wrote, It often seems like it’s a different person going through that experience and not me. I find myself laughing, crying and shaking my head when I read my journals. I recently dug up my journal from 2008 (I try to have a journal for every year). That was a particularly hard year for me, I had recently moved to Abuja with my children to start a new job. For me it was like I had just been newly widowed because that was the first time since my husband died that I had to live on my own. I found myself grieving all over again; I gained weight and had bouts of depression.  Reading my journal from that year made me realize how much I had grown from that person it also helped me realize that if I knew then what I know now, I probably would have handled a lot of things differently, especially my finances.

I have also relearned some lessons from my journals that I had forgotten. There are days I have sat down to write down my plans, hopes and aspirations for a certain period only to find that I have veered of that path when I go back to my journal.  There was even a time I wrote a letter to my late husband. I just wrote, and at the end of the day I realized I was angry with him. I didn’t know this until I sat down to write, but anger was the emotion I expressed through my writing that day.

There is a sense of release and peace that comes from writing that can help you cope and keep on keeping on. Most especially, reading through my past write up has often opened my eyes to see just how much God’s presence has been with me through out and it gives me more assurance that he will perfect what he has begun.

Have a lovely, fruitful and fun filled week ahead.

Hugs! 

Recently I discovered this write up while browsing the internet. I had to share it because the write up summed up everything I had been through and how I am becoming a better person because I have chosen to learn from my mistakes. I pray that eventually I will get to that place where 1 will not only recognize the hole in the pavement but I will have the strength to walk down a different road and avoid following the familiar street that always leads to a dead end. I hope it inspires you as well.

‎'I walk down the street. There's a hole in the pavement and I fall in. I'm lost; it isn't my fault. It takes me forever to get out.

I walk down the street again. There's a hole in the pavement but I pretend I don't see it, so I fall in again. I can't believe I'm in the same place; still, it isn't my fault.

I walk down the street again. There's a hole in the pavement. I see it, but I still fall in - it's a habit. But now my eyes are open and I know where I am. It is my fault.

I get out immediately.

I walk down the street. There's a hole in the pavement. I walk around it.

Finally, I walk down a different street!

- Portia Nelson

Lonely But Not Alone

Hello people, I haven’t written in a while and that is because like I always do I let life get in the way. I have been feeling a bit burdened these past few weeks, like I am carrying something much more than I can bear, you know the feeling? There are days when I feel on top of the world and there are days when I feel like the world is on top of me. I recently wrote on my face book page, that God is the reason why I do what I do, why I get up every day. Honestly if I wasn’t 100% sure that God is on my side and has got my back, there are some mornings I wont get up at all.

  One of the effects of losing a spouse is that the loss of your confidant makes it hard to live life without someone you can talk to anytime. I am not saying I don’t have people I can talk to now, but everyone has their issues to deal with and the last thing you want is to become a burden to someone. On the other hand your husband will listen to you; he won’t only listen because he has to listen he will take note of what you are not saying. He may or may not respond, ask questions or proffer a ground breaking solution to the issues you are facing but it just feels good to be able to share it with someone who not only cares but in a lot of ways is an extension yourself.

So these past few weeks have been extremely hard for me, there are so many things I need to get done, so many new things I am exploring in my life and many new challenges and changes that made me wish I wasn’t doing this all on my own.

Loneliness is not new to me, I have experienced it in various shades and forms over the past 10yrs, I have tried to disguise it, tried to avoid it, even deny it. But it keeps coming back. I find that I feel lonelier when I am facing trying and difficult times like I am now. Birthdays and anniversaries surprisingly do not make me feel lonely at all just a bit sad and wishful. But when I have challenges and hard and difficult life changing decisions to make that concern my future and that of my kids I feel so lonely it’s horrible.

Over the years I have learnt that prayer is the only thing that drives the loneliness away, I didn’t come to this conclusion easily at all, God allowed me to make my mistakes so that when I have finally learned my lessons they would stick for life and I really do appreciate him for this. In fact I find it so amazing that he takes the time to guide me back to the right path after I have so voluntarily veered of the paths he led me on in the first place. Indeed he chastises those he loves. I have to be real here or else I would not be of any help to anyone who is reading this that is going through a tough time. I have made so many mistakes in my search for something to ease the pain. I sought for comfort in the wrong places. I wanted to feel safe, secure and loved once again. I wanted that vacuum occupied at all cost. I went down the wrong road a few times and I am thankful now that God cared enough to place road blocks on my way so that I could realize that i had to turn around and go down the right road mapped out by him.

Loneliness can make you lose sight of whom and whose you are. It can make you take up crumbs when you are meant to eat the best meal. I lost my husband at 29 years, I am an attractive woman (if I may say so myself). I have fallen victim of people who wanted me for my physical attributes alone. The sad thing is that I knew I was going to get hurt but I didn’t care, you see the need to be needed again was just too strong to let go of. I was like an addict, looking for something to numb the pain and it didn’t matter if it would make me feel sick to my stomach afterwards.

But God always took me back, he cleaned me up and held me close, he let me cry and opened my eyes to see what the real problem was. So beloved, if you are going through a hard time right now, don’t take the next option out, it may be a quick fix but it only makes things worse. Wait patiently for God to provide and show you that way of escape. He always does, we are just too agitated and blinded by our emotions and feelings to see it. Do cry if you must but just wait on him, the experience will not kill you but it will definitly make you a much more better person. I know that taking action in that moment always seems like the right thing to do but most of the time we always make the wrong move.

Losing a spouse is a road that I have never walked before, so I am bound to make mistakes, I have started this blog so I can help someone and hopefully you will not have to make the same mistakes I did.

Weeping may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning. (Psalm 30:5)

And the morning will never fail to come, never!

God bless you, remain expectant and enjoy your week. Hugs

For This Reason

I just have to celebrate the very first comment on After the RIP by a "fellow widow".

Below is the comment made by Kemi Oyelola after my last post, Take a Look at Me Now. Kemi is a beautiful young widow who lost her husband a little over two years ago. She wrote:

"I found this very inspiring to read. Thanks for sharing this Blog. It helps to know that there's someone who's gone through what I have gone through, the pain, the tears, the frustrations I have felt. That song still brought tears to my eyes, even after two years that my husband passed away.

I watch my kids growing up and wish that he could have been here with me to watch them develop and grow. I still say things like "Akin, just look at your daughter, see how tall she's grown. She's slowly developing into a pretty young woman" just as if he were sitting beside me.

I look at my son sometimes and I see his father's face. And I smile to myself as I remember him. My son still asks me when his dad will come back, why he had to go even though I have told him his dad will not be coming back. I ask for wisdom from God to be able to answer his many questions.

It really hasn't been easy at all but God has given me so much strength to go on. Sometimes I think I have overcome my sorrow but there are times it still comes back to me. I remember and tears just roll from my eyes. When will I finally overcome?

I console myself that God alone can comfort me and heal my wounds. It is well!!"

Kemi

I met Kemi shortly after her husband died, my dear friend Gina called me and asked that I speak with her, try to see her through the dark period. It was something I was willing to do as I believe I have a calling to comfort others in their affliction just as I have been comforted by God. When I met her she seemed so cool, calm and collected but I could see through the act off course, I have been in her shoes. 

I have never been able to reach the grieving side of Kemi, never. Whenever I ask her how she is holding up her answer is always fine, fine or I am OK. She was so excited to read my posts that she just had to comment and let out all she had been bottling up inside.

She has been in my prayers and I am so glad that she was finally able to let it all out via this Blog.
Kemi, I know you will read this; I bet you felt a bit better after you expressed your feelings. Your comment brought tears to my eyes because I know that by writing about your pain you are finally on your way to healing and receiving comfort from the great comforter.

I sincerely believe that it was for this reason that I was led to start this Blog. To help people like you and i realize that we are not alone and we do not have to go through this alone. Sharing your pain, struggles, frustrations, breakthroughs, joys and gains from the whole experience can really go a long away to help us heal. Healing the right way will also ensure that rather than allow this horrible experience at such a young age smudge our future, we emerge as better individuals who have overcome against all odds.

Psalm 68:6: He places the lonely in families;

Have a great week ahead.

Hugs

Take a Look at Me Now

Not too long after my husband died, i was sitting in my parent's living room watching Phil Collins in concert, and the words of this song just seem to fit my circumstance perfectly. I turned to my brother and i said this song is about me right now. It was one of those times when i was still in shock and going around like a zombie so i didn't shed a single tear at that point in time.

A few years later, i heard the song again on the radio in my car and i burst into tears. Same song, but reacted differently and i think it was because i was experiencing different stages of grief at both times. The first time i was still in denial and the second time i heard the song i was experiencing anger. Yes, i was angry. I really wished he could have taken a look at me at that time to see how hard it was for me to cope without him, to see all i was going through at the time. I was so angry at him for leaving me at that point that i just wanted him to take a look at me and decide for himself if it was fair for him to leave me.

How can I just let you walk away, Just let you leave without a trace, When I'm standing taking every breath, with you, ooohhh,

You're the only one who really knew me, At all.

How can you just walk away from me, When all I can do is watch you leave, Cause we shared the laughter and the pain, And even shared the tears, You’re the only one who really knew me at all.

So take a look at me now, There’s just an empty space,

There’s nothing left here to remind me, just the memory of your face,

So take a look at me now, Coz there's just an empty space,

And you coming back to me it's against the odds, And that's what I've got to face.

I wish I could just make you turn around, Turn around and see me cry, There’s so much I need to say to you, So many reasons why, You’re the only one who really knew me at all.

So take a look at me now, well there's just an empty space,

There’s nothing left here to remind me, just the memory of your face,

So take a look at me now, there's just an empty space,

But to wait for you is all I can do,

And that's what I've got to face.

Take a good look at me now,

Cause I'll still be standing here,(Standing here)And you coming back to me is against all odds, And that's a chance I've got to take.

Chance I’ve got to take

Take a look at me now, ooh.

Take a look at me now. Take a look at me now.

I am in a different phase of grief now, i think i have accepted that he is gone, not too sure, though but i think so. Just heard the song again on TV this evening and i think i can say take a look a look at me now Dapo, I am a far cry from that woman you left behind 10 years ago. i have grown and changed in ways you wouldn't believe. You can’t imagine what God has done with my pain.

It’s been a long journey, i have really evolved. I hope you'll stick around as i share my story with you and hopefully i can get you to share yours with me. Maybe together we can take the mess life has thrown at us and make them messages of hope to heal this wounded generation.

Have a great week ahead! Hugs

The Beginning

The journey down this new road began in January 2002. I didn't know then just how radical the change of course was going to be, all I knew was that the love of my life was gone. While we were dating I had been unable to stand being away from him, I counted days until I saw him again. Our relationship was one of those that everyone knew would end up in marriage no doubt, and now I had to face life without him! I was numb, I couldn't feel anything, I couldn't even cry. I found myself consoling people, going out to shop for what I would wear for the burial. I was looking all put together while I was dying inside.  Looking back now, I think the problem was that none of us knew how a young wife was supposed to mourn the loss of her husband. I mourned him like I was mourning a sibling, a father or a close friend. I didn't really mourn him like I was mourning the loss of a soul mate, a partner and the father of my children. I really do believe that if I had mourned him from that perspective it would have saved me a lot of the sorrow and pain that I had to go through for many, many years. 

After the burial, I faced life squarely. I abandoned the care of my children to family and house helps. I felt the urgent and expected need to do something; the family head and bread winner had died and left the bread winning mantle for me. So I became busy, busy, busy, not stopping once to mourn the passing of my beloved husband, not stopping once to consider the effect of his absence on my life and the lives of our children. I think his passing made me selfish. I felt the world owed me something; it just had to be all about me. I didn't for once consider how the children's lives would be growing up without a father, how my parents felt having a daughter comeback home just a few years after giving her hand away in marriage, I didn't think about anyone or anything but me and what I needed to do to fill the gaping hole in my life. I know now that if I had stopped to think about all these things, I would have done a lot of things differently and saved myself a lot of pain these past few years.

Over the past 9 years, I have hit a lot of brick walls. I have almost lost my mind and gained it again. I have been strong and I have been miserably weak. Through the highs and the lows I have learned to trust God. I trust that he sees me and he knows what I am going through. He has promised never to leave or forsake me. His promises make it easy for me to go on and face the world. When my husband died, I knew for a fact that there was no way it was humanly possible for me to face the heartbreak without going insane or becoming a shadow of my former self. So I handed my fragile heart to God to take care of and he took that responsibility seriously. He has held my hand throughout the years, I knew I was in for bumpy ride but I didn't know just how hard or bumpy the journey was going to be, so the only option I had was to put my hand in the hand of a God that knows the end from the beginning and it has paid off. He took me to Isaiah 54 and that scripture has comforted me throughout this experience.