Making it Through the Season

I was wondering the other day how many people actually feel depressed during the Christmas and New Year period. It’s a time when everyone counts their blessings and look forward to spending time with loved ones, relax and have some fun. But for most people it’s a time when you remember the good times and wonder where they went, it’s a time when you ask God questions like, where did i go wrong? Why didn’t I see it coming, maybe I would have done something to prevent it. Why o lord why am spending Christmas alone again or alone this year, when last year I had my partner with me?

For most of us, we are not really alone; we have a lot of people around us. For me, this year I have my beautiful kids and my sister. Others may have their family members as well, in Africa we are rarely ever alone during the Xmas season. But I am a witness to the fact that it can be so so lonely in the midst of the crowd. Sometimes the holiday cheer amplifies your despair that it makes you want to scream! You try to go with the flow of Christmas and the season; most times we look like we are succeeding because those around us do not notice that we are struggling.

I know how it feels because I have been there, all I can say is you are not alone, keep a straight face, laugh and try your best to have fun. Most of all count your blessings. Remind God of his promises. He said with everlasting love will he gather us, that he will never again be angry with us. Hold on to his love in the midst of the pain.

You will it make through the season and you will be stronger at the end. With time it will get better and easier to handle. This time next year will not have to struggle through it, you may even look back at that time and know for a fact that you would never have made it without God holding your hand or even carrying you.

I thank God for your lives; I thank God that we are all alive to see this season. It can only get better!  He sees you and he knows what you are going through. So rejoice because he loves you enough to send his innocent son to die for you. That’s awesome! So rejoice!

Love you all.

Great Big Christmas Hugs

And he said unto me, Write

One thing that has helped me cope over the years is writing. Very often I escape to the world of journaling and write down my feelings and experiences after my husband died. I have done this for the past 10years and it has proved to be very therapeutic for me, I would like to recommend it for everyone not just those going through tough situations in their lives.  What I do is write exactly how I feel, I also write about every new experience and about people I have met that have impacted my life. I especially like to write when I am facing a difficult situation or when I have learnt some vital life lesson.

The best part of journaling for me is going back to read what I have written, awesome experience every time! Most of the time I can’t believe I am the one who wrote what I wrote, It often seems like it’s a different person going through that experience and not me. I find myself laughing, crying and shaking my head when I read my journals. I recently dug up my journal from 2008 (I try to have a journal for every year). That was a particularly hard year for me, I had recently moved to Abuja with my children to start a new job. For me it was like I had just been newly widowed because that was the first time since my husband died that I had to live on my own. I found myself grieving all over again; I gained weight and had bouts of depression.  Reading my journal from that year made me realize how much I had grown from that person it also helped me realize that if I knew then what I know now, I probably would have handled a lot of things differently, especially my finances.

I have also relearned some lessons from my journals that I had forgotten. There are days I have sat down to write down my plans, hopes and aspirations for a certain period only to find that I have veered of that path when I go back to my journal.  There was even a time I wrote a letter to my late husband. I just wrote, and at the end of the day I realized I was angry with him. I didn’t know this until I sat down to write, but anger was the emotion I expressed through my writing that day.

There is a sense of release and peace that comes from writing that can help you cope and keep on keeping on. Most especially, reading through my past write up has often opened my eyes to see just how much God’s presence has been with me through out and it gives me more assurance that he will perfect what he has begun.

Have a lovely, fruitful and fun filled week ahead.

Hugs! 

Recently I discovered this write up while browsing the internet. I had to share it because the write up summed up everything I had been through and how I am becoming a better person because I have chosen to learn from my mistakes. I pray that eventually I will get to that place where 1 will not only recognize the hole in the pavement but I will have the strength to walk down a different road and avoid following the familiar street that always leads to a dead end. I hope it inspires you as well.

‎'I walk down the street. There's a hole in the pavement and I fall in. I'm lost; it isn't my fault. It takes me forever to get out.

I walk down the street again. There's a hole in the pavement but I pretend I don't see it, so I fall in again. I can't believe I'm in the same place; still, it isn't my fault.

I walk down the street again. There's a hole in the pavement. I see it, but I still fall in - it's a habit. But now my eyes are open and I know where I am. It is my fault.

I get out immediately.

I walk down the street. There's a hole in the pavement. I walk around it.

Finally, I walk down a different street!

- Portia Nelson

Lonely But Not Alone

Hello people, I haven’t written in a while and that is because like I always do I let life get in the way. I have been feeling a bit burdened these past few weeks, like I am carrying something much more than I can bear, you know the feeling? There are days when I feel on top of the world and there are days when I feel like the world is on top of me. I recently wrote on my face book page, that God is the reason why I do what I do, why I get up every day. Honestly if I wasn’t 100% sure that God is on my side and has got my back, there are some mornings I wont get up at all.

  One of the effects of losing a spouse is that the loss of your confidant makes it hard to live life without someone you can talk to anytime. I am not saying I don’t have people I can talk to now, but everyone has their issues to deal with and the last thing you want is to become a burden to someone. On the other hand your husband will listen to you; he won’t only listen because he has to listen he will take note of what you are not saying. He may or may not respond, ask questions or proffer a ground breaking solution to the issues you are facing but it just feels good to be able to share it with someone who not only cares but in a lot of ways is an extension yourself.

So these past few weeks have been extremely hard for me, there are so many things I need to get done, so many new things I am exploring in my life and many new challenges and changes that made me wish I wasn’t doing this all on my own.

Loneliness is not new to me, I have experienced it in various shades and forms over the past 10yrs, I have tried to disguise it, tried to avoid it, even deny it. But it keeps coming back. I find that I feel lonelier when I am facing trying and difficult times like I am now. Birthdays and anniversaries surprisingly do not make me feel lonely at all just a bit sad and wishful. But when I have challenges and hard and difficult life changing decisions to make that concern my future and that of my kids I feel so lonely it’s horrible.

Over the years I have learnt that prayer is the only thing that drives the loneliness away, I didn’t come to this conclusion easily at all, God allowed me to make my mistakes so that when I have finally learned my lessons they would stick for life and I really do appreciate him for this. In fact I find it so amazing that he takes the time to guide me back to the right path after I have so voluntarily veered of the paths he led me on in the first place. Indeed he chastises those he loves. I have to be real here or else I would not be of any help to anyone who is reading this that is going through a tough time. I have made so many mistakes in my search for something to ease the pain. I sought for comfort in the wrong places. I wanted to feel safe, secure and loved once again. I wanted that vacuum occupied at all cost. I went down the wrong road a few times and I am thankful now that God cared enough to place road blocks on my way so that I could realize that i had to turn around and go down the right road mapped out by him.

Loneliness can make you lose sight of whom and whose you are. It can make you take up crumbs when you are meant to eat the best meal. I lost my husband at 29 years, I am an attractive woman (if I may say so myself). I have fallen victim of people who wanted me for my physical attributes alone. The sad thing is that I knew I was going to get hurt but I didn’t care, you see the need to be needed again was just too strong to let go of. I was like an addict, looking for something to numb the pain and it didn’t matter if it would make me feel sick to my stomach afterwards.

But God always took me back, he cleaned me up and held me close, he let me cry and opened my eyes to see what the real problem was. So beloved, if you are going through a hard time right now, don’t take the next option out, it may be a quick fix but it only makes things worse. Wait patiently for God to provide and show you that way of escape. He always does, we are just too agitated and blinded by our emotions and feelings to see it. Do cry if you must but just wait on him, the experience will not kill you but it will definitly make you a much more better person. I know that taking action in that moment always seems like the right thing to do but most of the time we always make the wrong move.

Losing a spouse is a road that I have never walked before, so I am bound to make mistakes, I have started this blog so I can help someone and hopefully you will not have to make the same mistakes I did.

Weeping may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning. (Psalm 30:5)

And the morning will never fail to come, never!

God bless you, remain expectant and enjoy your week. Hugs

For This Reason

I just have to celebrate the very first comment on After the RIP by a "fellow widow".

Below is the comment made by Kemi Oyelola after my last post, Take a Look at Me Now. Kemi is a beautiful young widow who lost her husband a little over two years ago. She wrote:

"I found this very inspiring to read. Thanks for sharing this Blog. It helps to know that there's someone who's gone through what I have gone through, the pain, the tears, the frustrations I have felt. That song still brought tears to my eyes, even after two years that my husband passed away.

I watch my kids growing up and wish that he could have been here with me to watch them develop and grow. I still say things like "Akin, just look at your daughter, see how tall she's grown. She's slowly developing into a pretty young woman" just as if he were sitting beside me.

I look at my son sometimes and I see his father's face. And I smile to myself as I remember him. My son still asks me when his dad will come back, why he had to go even though I have told him his dad will not be coming back. I ask for wisdom from God to be able to answer his many questions.

It really hasn't been easy at all but God has given me so much strength to go on. Sometimes I think I have overcome my sorrow but there are times it still comes back to me. I remember and tears just roll from my eyes. When will I finally overcome?

I console myself that God alone can comfort me and heal my wounds. It is well!!"

Kemi

I met Kemi shortly after her husband died, my dear friend Gina called me and asked that I speak with her, try to see her through the dark period. It was something I was willing to do as I believe I have a calling to comfort others in their affliction just as I have been comforted by God. When I met her she seemed so cool, calm and collected but I could see through the act off course, I have been in her shoes. 

I have never been able to reach the grieving side of Kemi, never. Whenever I ask her how she is holding up her answer is always fine, fine or I am OK. She was so excited to read my posts that she just had to comment and let out all she had been bottling up inside.

She has been in my prayers and I am so glad that she was finally able to let it all out via this Blog.
Kemi, I know you will read this; I bet you felt a bit better after you expressed your feelings. Your comment brought tears to my eyes because I know that by writing about your pain you are finally on your way to healing and receiving comfort from the great comforter.

I sincerely believe that it was for this reason that I was led to start this Blog. To help people like you and i realize that we are not alone and we do not have to go through this alone. Sharing your pain, struggles, frustrations, breakthroughs, joys and gains from the whole experience can really go a long away to help us heal. Healing the right way will also ensure that rather than allow this horrible experience at such a young age smudge our future, we emerge as better individuals who have overcome against all odds.

Psalm 68:6: He places the lonely in families;

Have a great week ahead.

Hugs

Take a Look at Me Now

Not too long after my husband died, i was sitting in my parent's living room watching Phil Collins in concert, and the words of this song just seem to fit my circumstance perfectly. I turned to my brother and i said this song is about me right now. It was one of those times when i was still in shock and going around like a zombie so i didn't shed a single tear at that point in time.

A few years later, i heard the song again on the radio in my car and i burst into tears. Same song, but reacted differently and i think it was because i was experiencing different stages of grief at both times. The first time i was still in denial and the second time i heard the song i was experiencing anger. Yes, i was angry. I really wished he could have taken a look at me at that time to see how hard it was for me to cope without him, to see all i was going through at the time. I was so angry at him for leaving me at that point that i just wanted him to take a look at me and decide for himself if it was fair for him to leave me.

How can I just let you walk away, Just let you leave without a trace, When I'm standing taking every breath, with you, ooohhh,

You're the only one who really knew me, At all.

How can you just walk away from me, When all I can do is watch you leave, Cause we shared the laughter and the pain, And even shared the tears, You’re the only one who really knew me at all.

So take a look at me now, There’s just an empty space,

There’s nothing left here to remind me, just the memory of your face,

So take a look at me now, Coz there's just an empty space,

And you coming back to me it's against the odds, And that's what I've got to face.

I wish I could just make you turn around, Turn around and see me cry, There’s so much I need to say to you, So many reasons why, You’re the only one who really knew me at all.

So take a look at me now, well there's just an empty space,

There’s nothing left here to remind me, just the memory of your face,

So take a look at me now, there's just an empty space,

But to wait for you is all I can do,

And that's what I've got to face.

Take a good look at me now,

Cause I'll still be standing here,(Standing here)And you coming back to me is against all odds, And that's a chance I've got to take.

Chance I’ve got to take

Take a look at me now, ooh.

Take a look at me now. Take a look at me now.

I am in a different phase of grief now, i think i have accepted that he is gone, not too sure, though but i think so. Just heard the song again on TV this evening and i think i can say take a look a look at me now Dapo, I am a far cry from that woman you left behind 10 years ago. i have grown and changed in ways you wouldn't believe. You can’t imagine what God has done with my pain.

It’s been a long journey, i have really evolved. I hope you'll stick around as i share my story with you and hopefully i can get you to share yours with me. Maybe together we can take the mess life has thrown at us and make them messages of hope to heal this wounded generation.

Have a great week ahead! Hugs

The Beginning

The journey down this new road began in January 2002. I didn't know then just how radical the change of course was going to be, all I knew was that the love of my life was gone. While we were dating I had been unable to stand being away from him, I counted days until I saw him again. Our relationship was one of those that everyone knew would end up in marriage no doubt, and now I had to face life without him! I was numb, I couldn't feel anything, I couldn't even cry. I found myself consoling people, going out to shop for what I would wear for the burial. I was looking all put together while I was dying inside.  Looking back now, I think the problem was that none of us knew how a young wife was supposed to mourn the loss of her husband. I mourned him like I was mourning a sibling, a father or a close friend. I didn't really mourn him like I was mourning the loss of a soul mate, a partner and the father of my children. I really do believe that if I had mourned him from that perspective it would have saved me a lot of the sorrow and pain that I had to go through for many, many years. 

After the burial, I faced life squarely. I abandoned the care of my children to family and house helps. I felt the urgent and expected need to do something; the family head and bread winner had died and left the bread winning mantle for me. So I became busy, busy, busy, not stopping once to mourn the passing of my beloved husband, not stopping once to consider the effect of his absence on my life and the lives of our children. I think his passing made me selfish. I felt the world owed me something; it just had to be all about me. I didn't for once consider how the children's lives would be growing up without a father, how my parents felt having a daughter comeback home just a few years after giving her hand away in marriage, I didn't think about anyone or anything but me and what I needed to do to fill the gaping hole in my life. I know now that if I had stopped to think about all these things, I would have done a lot of things differently and saved myself a lot of pain these past few years.

Over the past 9 years, I have hit a lot of brick walls. I have almost lost my mind and gained it again. I have been strong and I have been miserably weak. Through the highs and the lows I have learned to trust God. I trust that he sees me and he knows what I am going through. He has promised never to leave or forsake me. His promises make it easy for me to go on and face the world. When my husband died, I knew for a fact that there was no way it was humanly possible for me to face the heartbreak without going insane or becoming a shadow of my former self. So I handed my fragile heart to God to take care of and he took that responsibility seriously. He has held my hand throughout the years, I knew I was in for bumpy ride but I didn't know just how hard or bumpy the journey was going to be, so the only option I had was to put my hand in the hand of a God that knows the end from the beginning and it has paid off. He took me to Isaiah 54 and that scripture has comforted me throughout this experience.