Lonely But Not Alone

Hello people, I haven’t written in a while and that is because like I always do I let life get in the way. I have been feeling a bit burdened these past few weeks, like I am carrying something much more than I can bear, you know the feeling? There are days when I feel on top of the world and there are days when I feel like the world is on top of me. I recently wrote on my face book page, that God is the reason why I do what I do, why I get up every day. Honestly if I wasn’t 100% sure that God is on my side and has got my back, there are some mornings I wont get up at all.

  One of the effects of losing a spouse is that the loss of your confidant makes it hard to live life without someone you can talk to anytime. I am not saying I don’t have people I can talk to now, but everyone has their issues to deal with and the last thing you want is to become a burden to someone. On the other hand your husband will listen to you; he won’t only listen because he has to listen he will take note of what you are not saying. He may or may not respond, ask questions or proffer a ground breaking solution to the issues you are facing but it just feels good to be able to share it with someone who not only cares but in a lot of ways is an extension yourself.

So these past few weeks have been extremely hard for me, there are so many things I need to get done, so many new things I am exploring in my life and many new challenges and changes that made me wish I wasn’t doing this all on my own.

Loneliness is not new to me, I have experienced it in various shades and forms over the past 10yrs, I have tried to disguise it, tried to avoid it, even deny it. But it keeps coming back. I find that I feel lonelier when I am facing trying and difficult times like I am now. Birthdays and anniversaries surprisingly do not make me feel lonely at all just a bit sad and wishful. But when I have challenges and hard and difficult life changing decisions to make that concern my future and that of my kids I feel so lonely it’s horrible.

Over the years I have learnt that prayer is the only thing that drives the loneliness away, I didn’t come to this conclusion easily at all, God allowed me to make my mistakes so that when I have finally learned my lessons they would stick for life and I really do appreciate him for this. In fact I find it so amazing that he takes the time to guide me back to the right path after I have so voluntarily veered of the paths he led me on in the first place. Indeed he chastises those he loves. I have to be real here or else I would not be of any help to anyone who is reading this that is going through a tough time. I have made so many mistakes in my search for something to ease the pain. I sought for comfort in the wrong places. I wanted to feel safe, secure and loved once again. I wanted that vacuum occupied at all cost. I went down the wrong road a few times and I am thankful now that God cared enough to place road blocks on my way so that I could realize that i had to turn around and go down the right road mapped out by him.

Loneliness can make you lose sight of whom and whose you are. It can make you take up crumbs when you are meant to eat the best meal. I lost my husband at 29 years, I am an attractive woman (if I may say so myself). I have fallen victim of people who wanted me for my physical attributes alone. The sad thing is that I knew I was going to get hurt but I didn’t care, you see the need to be needed again was just too strong to let go of. I was like an addict, looking for something to numb the pain and it didn’t matter if it would make me feel sick to my stomach afterwards.

But God always took me back, he cleaned me up and held me close, he let me cry and opened my eyes to see what the real problem was. So beloved, if you are going through a hard time right now, don’t take the next option out, it may be a quick fix but it only makes things worse. Wait patiently for God to provide and show you that way of escape. He always does, we are just too agitated and blinded by our emotions and feelings to see it. Do cry if you must but just wait on him, the experience will not kill you but it will definitly make you a much more better person. I know that taking action in that moment always seems like the right thing to do but most of the time we always make the wrong move.

Losing a spouse is a road that I have never walked before, so I am bound to make mistakes, I have started this blog so I can help someone and hopefully you will not have to make the same mistakes I did.

Weeping may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning. (Psalm 30:5)

And the morning will never fail to come, never!

God bless you, remain expectant and enjoy your week. Hugs