And he said unto me, Write

One thing that has helped me cope over the years is writing. Very often I escape to the world of journaling and write down my feelings and experiences after my husband died. I have done this for the past 10years and it has proved to be very therapeutic for me, I would like to recommend it for everyone not just those going through tough situations in their lives.  What I do is write exactly how I feel, I also write about every new experience and about people I have met that have impacted my life. I especially like to write when I am facing a difficult situation or when I have learnt some vital life lesson.

The best part of journaling for me is going back to read what I have written, awesome experience every time! Most of the time I can’t believe I am the one who wrote what I wrote, It often seems like it’s a different person going through that experience and not me. I find myself laughing, crying and shaking my head when I read my journals. I recently dug up my journal from 2008 (I try to have a journal for every year). That was a particularly hard year for me, I had recently moved to Abuja with my children to start a new job. For me it was like I had just been newly widowed because that was the first time since my husband died that I had to live on my own. I found myself grieving all over again; I gained weight and had bouts of depression.  Reading my journal from that year made me realize how much I had grown from that person it also helped me realize that if I knew then what I know now, I probably would have handled a lot of things differently, especially my finances.

I have also relearned some lessons from my journals that I had forgotten. There are days I have sat down to write down my plans, hopes and aspirations for a certain period only to find that I have veered of that path when I go back to my journal.  There was even a time I wrote a letter to my late husband. I just wrote, and at the end of the day I realized I was angry with him. I didn’t know this until I sat down to write, but anger was the emotion I expressed through my writing that day.

There is a sense of release and peace that comes from writing that can help you cope and keep on keeping on. Most especially, reading through my past write up has often opened my eyes to see just how much God’s presence has been with me through out and it gives me more assurance that he will perfect what he has begun.

Have a lovely, fruitful and fun filled week ahead.

Hugs! 

Recently I discovered this write up while browsing the internet. I had to share it because the write up summed up everything I had been through and how I am becoming a better person because I have chosen to learn from my mistakes. I pray that eventually I will get to that place where 1 will not only recognize the hole in the pavement but I will have the strength to walk down a different road and avoid following the familiar street that always leads to a dead end. I hope it inspires you as well.

‎'I walk down the street. There's a hole in the pavement and I fall in. I'm lost; it isn't my fault. It takes me forever to get out.

I walk down the street again. There's a hole in the pavement but I pretend I don't see it, so I fall in again. I can't believe I'm in the same place; still, it isn't my fault.

I walk down the street again. There's a hole in the pavement. I see it, but I still fall in - it's a habit. But now my eyes are open and I know where I am. It is my fault.

I get out immediately.

I walk down the street. There's a hole in the pavement. I walk around it.

Finally, I walk down a different street!

- Portia Nelson

Lonely But Not Alone

Hello people, I haven’t written in a while and that is because like I always do I let life get in the way. I have been feeling a bit burdened these past few weeks, like I am carrying something much more than I can bear, you know the feeling? There are days when I feel on top of the world and there are days when I feel like the world is on top of me. I recently wrote on my face book page, that God is the reason why I do what I do, why I get up every day. Honestly if I wasn’t 100% sure that God is on my side and has got my back, there are some mornings I wont get up at all.

  One of the effects of losing a spouse is that the loss of your confidant makes it hard to live life without someone you can talk to anytime. I am not saying I don’t have people I can talk to now, but everyone has their issues to deal with and the last thing you want is to become a burden to someone. On the other hand your husband will listen to you; he won’t only listen because he has to listen he will take note of what you are not saying. He may or may not respond, ask questions or proffer a ground breaking solution to the issues you are facing but it just feels good to be able to share it with someone who not only cares but in a lot of ways is an extension yourself.

So these past few weeks have been extremely hard for me, there are so many things I need to get done, so many new things I am exploring in my life and many new challenges and changes that made me wish I wasn’t doing this all on my own.

Loneliness is not new to me, I have experienced it in various shades and forms over the past 10yrs, I have tried to disguise it, tried to avoid it, even deny it. But it keeps coming back. I find that I feel lonelier when I am facing trying and difficult times like I am now. Birthdays and anniversaries surprisingly do not make me feel lonely at all just a bit sad and wishful. But when I have challenges and hard and difficult life changing decisions to make that concern my future and that of my kids I feel so lonely it’s horrible.

Over the years I have learnt that prayer is the only thing that drives the loneliness away, I didn’t come to this conclusion easily at all, God allowed me to make my mistakes so that when I have finally learned my lessons they would stick for life and I really do appreciate him for this. In fact I find it so amazing that he takes the time to guide me back to the right path after I have so voluntarily veered of the paths he led me on in the first place. Indeed he chastises those he loves. I have to be real here or else I would not be of any help to anyone who is reading this that is going through a tough time. I have made so many mistakes in my search for something to ease the pain. I sought for comfort in the wrong places. I wanted to feel safe, secure and loved once again. I wanted that vacuum occupied at all cost. I went down the wrong road a few times and I am thankful now that God cared enough to place road blocks on my way so that I could realize that i had to turn around and go down the right road mapped out by him.

Loneliness can make you lose sight of whom and whose you are. It can make you take up crumbs when you are meant to eat the best meal. I lost my husband at 29 years, I am an attractive woman (if I may say so myself). I have fallen victim of people who wanted me for my physical attributes alone. The sad thing is that I knew I was going to get hurt but I didn’t care, you see the need to be needed again was just too strong to let go of. I was like an addict, looking for something to numb the pain and it didn’t matter if it would make me feel sick to my stomach afterwards.

But God always took me back, he cleaned me up and held me close, he let me cry and opened my eyes to see what the real problem was. So beloved, if you are going through a hard time right now, don’t take the next option out, it may be a quick fix but it only makes things worse. Wait patiently for God to provide and show you that way of escape. He always does, we are just too agitated and blinded by our emotions and feelings to see it. Do cry if you must but just wait on him, the experience will not kill you but it will definitly make you a much more better person. I know that taking action in that moment always seems like the right thing to do but most of the time we always make the wrong move.

Losing a spouse is a road that I have never walked before, so I am bound to make mistakes, I have started this blog so I can help someone and hopefully you will not have to make the same mistakes I did.

Weeping may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning. (Psalm 30:5)

And the morning will never fail to come, never!

God bless you, remain expectant and enjoy your week. Hugs