Are You Remarried Now?

 

I get asked the question why I have not remarried after almost 12 years of widowhood a lot. My answer is always that it just hasn’t happened. Recently, I realized that people ask that question because they think I haven’t remarried by choice. The question is often asked with the intention of convincing me to drop the silly notion and remarry already. Well, there are several reasons why I haven’t remarried and none of them has anything to do with me making a conscious decision not to remarry.

When my husband passed, I had lot I hadn’t done. My education was not quiet complete, I had to go to Law school, participate in the mandatory one year youth corps service after that and i immediately joined the rat race. All this I did while raising my children who were toddlers at that time. Romance was the farthest thing from my mind. As the years progressed, I started to meet people whom I might I have dated I realized that all I wanted was a replacement for my late husband.  I compared everybody to him, needless to say, that did not help as well.

Shortly after I made the decision to stop comparing everyone to him, keep an open mind and hope for the best in terms of being in a meaningful relationship, I got a job in another state and I had to move with my children. I found myself truly alone for the first time since I became a widow. The support structure from my immediately family was not readily available anymore. I had a home to provide for, children I had to be mummy and daddy to at the same time and a job I had to excel at. Time just flew by as it is very good at doing. I woke up one day and realized I had hit 40 and still alone 10 years after I had lost my mate.

God has promised to restore to me what I have lost, I realize now that it might have happened earlier if I wasn’t so absorbed in being a widow, single parent and an employee. If I hadn’t taken my new roles too seriously that I forgot to unwind, relax and see the opportunities right there in front of me.

I am now aware that when the bible in 1^st Thessalonians admonishes us not to mourn like those who not have hope,  we were being warned against being excessive in our sorrows, like people who have given up any hope of having a better life after suffering a loss. I think that by being too absorbed in my new life, I was unconsciously drowning myself in my sorrows. I believed that the new life I was living at that time was my fate. It took me a long time to realize that I had buried myself with my husband with no hope of ever really fully enjoying restoration or life again.

Life is all about cycles, the loss of a spouse or anything we hold dear can be regarded as the end of on cycle and the beginning of the next one. It can be painful especially when it is unexpected and that’s why we mourn the loss but this should be done with expectancy in our hearts that the God we serve will do something new and even better in our future.

In case there are some people reading this who have decided that with the loss of their spouse to death or divorce, they are done with marriage, you’ve been there and done that. It didn’t work out for you, now all you want to do is concentrate on your children (if you have any), your career, your family and God. You are saying it’s just me and God now.  Well think again my dear friend, God Himself said in Genesis 2:18 that it is not good for man to be alone. The reality is that life can be so demanding and tough especially as a single parent or someone who has experienced the joys of being in the union of marriage and find themselves alone again.

Depending on where you are on the healing process, the thought of remarriage may sound absurd but please do keep an open mind.  I know for a fact that some people feel that the thought of remarriage alone is disrespectful to the memory of their late spouse but where is he or her when you need someone to talk to? When you are tired and you just want to be held?  Research has shown that a widowed person who had a happy and fulfilling marriage the first time is more likely to desire another satisfying relationship or marriage (Source- early psychological reaction to stress in widowhood). It should be viewed as seizing the opportunity to develop a caring relationship after converting your first marriage to a loving memory.

As expected some do rush into the next marriage for the wrong reasons when they haven’t fully healed from the loss. They see remarriage as a way of pushing away the pain. That would be a mistake. Remarriage or being in a relationship cannot make you accept the loss of your spouse only time can do that. The best time to consider remarriage is when you have accepted and come to terms with your situation. 

All said however, the decision to remarry or not is a personal one; a lot also depends on the timing and finding the right person for you. The new person has to be someone you love or like a whole lot, this is a new relationship you want to nurture and not just someone you have chosen to replace your late spouse. It is very important that this new person enhances and complements your new found individuality. Remarriage is only healthy if it can enhance your life in a positive way. Getting married for a widowed person is different from someone is doing it for the first time. There is a lot to be considered like the children, where to live, finances, in-laws (both new and old but especially old). It should be approached prayerfully and with much discussion between the two parties.

I do realize that not everyone will remarry but I think it is an option that should be considered. Don’t bury your heart away in a pile of dead memories. Keep an open mind and be expectant, believe that God loves you and wants to restore to you all you have lost.

I leave you today with this scripture from the book of Job(42:12): "The Lord blessed the latter part of Jobs life more than the first"

God is gracious. Have fruitful week ahead.

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