The Other Side of Grief

I lost two dear friends in the Dana Plane crash of June 3 and just like that, I was thrown into the cycle of mourning all over again in my life. I found myself in a dark place. It was hard to come to terms with the fact that a friend that I had talked with in the office only two days before and another friend that had come to see me at home just the day before were no more. I mourned them deeply, my blood pressure went up during that period and I had to take a hold of myself. I prayed to God to see me through the period, I was afraid that their deaths will take me to a place of sorrow that I will find difficult to rise from.

I prayed and still pray for the bereaved families, lifting them up to the God of all comfort. He alone can give the strength and peace needed to go through such a painful loss. I cannot begin to imagine exactly what they are going through because every loss is unique in its own way.  I found that praying for them helped me in many ways to deal with my own grief, putting their own pain ahead of mine gave me the strength I needed to pull through.

I have come to realize that although we cannot avoid the grieving process, it is important to grieve in a healthy way. It’s easy to get acquainted with grief, sort off make it a part of life. This is done unconsciously and most times we do not realize it until the damage has been done, it then becomes more difficult to move on with life.

Moving on in itself is easier said than done. We move on with our lives without actually moving on from the place of mourning, this is where I believe the damage occurs most of the time. The Bible says in Ecclesiastics that there is a time to mourn. This will mean that the mourning is needful whenever it is necessary but there is a set period for it, it has a beginning and most definitely should have an end. Most of the time we do not know when or how to stop mourning, like I said earlier it becomes a part of life, something we carry  around and live with.  I think this happens most of the time when we carry on with the activities of life, like going back to work or resume the activities we were involved with before the passing of the loved one and this muddles up the process, we think we are doing fine when in fact we are still in deep mourning.

From my experience I learned that it is important to play an active part in ending the grief process, it won’t just happen. You won’t wake up one day and realize that you have actually moved on and ready to start life afresh. You have to make a conscious effort and decide that you need to let go and move on. Like our dear Pastor Akinola Olumodeji preached just a day before he lost his life in that same Dana Plane crash “you can be sad for a while but you have got to let it go”. There is an indication that we are ready to let go and move forward when we no longer feel that intense pain in our hearts or have a longing for the presence of the loved one.

I don’t know at what stage of the grieving process you may be now, but if you can assess your progress and you think you have come to a point where you feel you have worked through the pain of the loss and your heart has mended to a large extent, then it is time to start the new phase of your life. Jesus himself has borne our grief and carried our sorrows therefore we are not permitted to bear them longer than necessary. It damages our health and eventually our lives. I know because I held on to the past and to my husband’s memory for years without even realizing what I was doing. I was truly happy with him in my life and I unconsciously didn’t want to go on with life without him. I had to decide that I could not allow the lovely memories overshadow the joys that can come out my life. I couldn’t move on while I was holding on, I had to let it go! So I could enjoy the abundant life that Jesus Christ died for me to have. Life is a precious gift and we need to treat it as such.

I personally believe that the earlier we decide to live our best life, the faster the healing and grieving process goes by. Losing my husband has been by far the hardest thing I have had to deal with in life but by the grace of God I am still standing, still sane. Bad things do happen and most of the times they make us depend on God more and through his spirit in us we become much better people from the experience rather than worse off from it.

I will stop here and pray that God of all comfort will help you to grieve in a healthy way and move on with life, close the door to one phase of your life and joyfully look forward to the next phase. He will be with you in the midst of the pain and give you the grace for new life, in Jesus name.

In loving memory of Adaobi Thelma Mojekwu and Dr. Abiodun Jonathan…I miss you guys dearly but I know you are in a much more better place. I therefore celebrate the lives you lived while you were here.

Have fruitful week ahead.

Kate

Ten Years Now: In Loving Memory

Its exactly 10 years today that I lost my husband, ten whole years have gone by without him and I still miss him so much. I can still hear his voice like I heard it just yesterday. I can still see him smile and hear his laughter. How to dim his memories I know not how. I have tried to drown thoughts of him with work, relationships and God, but it has not worked. I have tried to move on but that just makes me miserable. I have always been bad at letting go, break ups were never my strong forte. When a person enters my life the person is usually there for good maybe that explains why in my case it’s been harder to let go. We had dated for almost 8 years before we eventually got married and we were married for three years before he passed. I can boldly say that he was my soul mate; nobody else really knew me or understood me, with him I was not afraid of being misunderstood because he knew me through and through. It’s really hard to let go of someone like that, weather dead or alive.

Love of my life, I miss you so much; I wish you were here every day. You need to see the children we made together. They have grown so big all thanks to God. It hasn’t been easy without you my love. I wish you could come back to me, to us, so we can have the life that we had planned to have. But that’s not going to happen. I can only thank God that I met you and that I had the opportunity of being your wife. I am so glad that you are the father of my children. I see you in them all the time Obafemi has your sense of humor and love for life, while Busola possesses that your envious ability to remain calm all the time.  

The truth is since you left, I have not been truly happy. I have survived simply by the grace of God. I almost feel like I have not truly lived in the past ten years, like I have been living some sort of pseudo life, a counterfeit kind of life. But with the help of God, my enabler that is all going to change now. God loves new beginnings and as I mark this 10^th year anniversary of your death I see myself becoming the woman you would love me be. I am learning to laugh a lot like you did, to enjoy every day and take life as it comes. You were never in frenzy about anything and I am learning to be like that. It’s not easy but I try.

Rest in Peace my love; I will try after this 10^th anniversary to move on. I will stop looking for you in everybody I meet because there will never be another you. I pray by the Grace of God that after this time the word of God that says that I will remember no more the reproach of my widowhood  (Isaiah 54:4) will be fulfilled in my life.

I have to thank everyone who has been with me and the children over the past 10years. I am really very grateful. Where will I be without my darling friends who have seen me through all the ups and downs? The people who supported me in the early years and helped me to stand on my feet? From the bottom of my heart i thank my pastors over the years, especial pastor Regina Obamanu who helped me realize that my mess would ultimately be my message. My sisters, brothers and my parents who have been just great and wonderful, I am also grateful for my in-laws who have been so supportive. I thank God for each and every one of you.

I hope to start a new chapter in this book and journey; I intend to make it one full of excitement and adventure. I will venture out of my shell, try new things and hopefully have new stories to share that will uplift and encourage other young widows.

It is well.

A Time to Mourn and When to Stop

Hello there, hope you are all keeping the faith and holding on at this time. Today I will be sharing with you what I have been going through these past few days; I sincerely hope that this impacts someone as they deal with their own loss.

A dear friend of mine lost her husband early this week and I totally lost it. I had been praying for him to survive the ghastly motor accident he was involved in and I had asked God to please spare me with having to face a friend who has lost her husband. In a way I knew I was going to react the way I did if I was ever faced with the situation and I wanted so badly to avoid it but I didn’t know just how bad it was going to affect me.

I discovered that when you have gone through a painful experience that has defined you and changed the entire course of your life, you do not only identify with someone who is going through what you have gone through but you almost also relieve the pain of your own experience through theirs. When I heard the news I cried and cried. To a large extent I was crying for my friend, not only did I know just how she felt, I know what she is going to go through in the weeks, months and years to come. I assumed that the fact that my own journey has been hard emotionally her own was going to be the same and I began to relieve all that I have been through over the past 10years and it made so sad.

The reason why I started the after the RIP organization was to provide emotional support for young widows so that they would not go through what I went through. I wanted to help and guide them in their grieving process so that they can easily, naturally and truly let go of the past and move on with their lives and It took the horrible death of my friends husband for me to realize that I have not healed completely myself.

Don’t get me wrong I am not saying that I shouldn’t feel bad that she lost her husband but I think that the extent of my own sorrow showed just how much I have not truly healed myself. According to my sister, “Healing is gradual but our emotions reveal to us when wounds are still festering and may need to be attended to”. According to her, I was still grieving for my husband hence my deep reaction to my friend’s loss. I was still grieving for the life that we would have lived, I may even still be unconsciously clinging to him and this may be responsible for the fact that I have not moved on in spite of the fact that it has been years since I lost him.

I think this sad event has brought me to the place of acceptance which according to experts, is the last stage of the grieving process. I have finally come to terms with the fact that Dapo Oluwole is really of blessed memory and he is not coming back. Yes, he was an amazing, generous and fun loving man. Indeed we lost a rare human being but I have resolved to let go even if it means letting go of the many memories of our time together that still fill my mind almost every single day.  

I don’t know if this is coming a little too late, maybe I would have done this earlier if I had the right information and counsel after he died. But I am a believer that God makes everything beautiful in its time and that I went through a prolonged phase of grieving so that I can share my journey with others and by God’s grace prevent them from grieving for longer than necessary.

My Darling Mary, only God can comfort you at this time. We all grieve in different ways but the emotions we go through are the same. Like I told you mourn him, he was your husband cry your eyes out if you must. There is a time for everything and the time to mourn is here. All I can add is that it is a time to mourn, this means that it has a beginning and an end. The Bible says that we shouldn’t mourn like people who have no hope. There is hope that you will come out of this stronger, better and with a brand new perspective on life that will make you soar beyond your wildest dreams. There is hope that the God of all comfort is with you and he has promised not to ever leave you or forsake you even especially at this time.  I love you. Hugs

Making it Through the Season

I was wondering the other day how many people actually feel depressed during the Christmas and New Year period. It’s a time when everyone counts their blessings and look forward to spending time with loved ones, relax and have some fun. But for most people it’s a time when you remember the good times and wonder where they went, it’s a time when you ask God questions like, where did i go wrong? Why didn’t I see it coming, maybe I would have done something to prevent it. Why o lord why am spending Christmas alone again or alone this year, when last year I had my partner with me?

For most of us, we are not really alone; we have a lot of people around us. For me, this year I have my beautiful kids and my sister. Others may have their family members as well, in Africa we are rarely ever alone during the Xmas season. But I am a witness to the fact that it can be so so lonely in the midst of the crowd. Sometimes the holiday cheer amplifies your despair that it makes you want to scream! You try to go with the flow of Christmas and the season; most times we look like we are succeeding because those around us do not notice that we are struggling.

I know how it feels because I have been there, all I can say is you are not alone, keep a straight face, laugh and try your best to have fun. Most of all count your blessings. Remind God of his promises. He said with everlasting love will he gather us, that he will never again be angry with us. Hold on to his love in the midst of the pain.

You will it make through the season and you will be stronger at the end. With time it will get better and easier to handle. This time next year will not have to struggle through it, you may even look back at that time and know for a fact that you would never have made it without God holding your hand or even carrying you.

I thank God for your lives; I thank God that we are all alive to see this season. It can only get better!  He sees you and he knows what you are going through. So rejoice because he loves you enough to send his innocent son to die for you. That’s awesome! So rejoice!

Love you all.

Great Big Christmas Hugs